The Joys of Being On The "Y-List"

So the other day a close friend of mine, whose name will go unmentioned for privacy's sake (you all know him though -- he's from Real Social Dynamics) calls me up with a story............

"Dude... The weirdest thing happened to me last night... I brought this girl back to her place and we hooked up... Afterwards I look around the room and see pictures of her with this guy all over the place, and there's this copy of "The Game" sitting on her nightstand... I ask her about it, and she tells me that I'm her boyfriend's favourite character in the book and that she wanted to get revenge on him for cheating on her... I sat there in shock for fifteen minutes and then bolted the fuck out of there..."

LOL.... WTF?!?!

This poor dude's favourite book had come to life to bang his girlfriend.... Ouch!!

Of course, that's just an average day in the life of being a "Y-List Celebrity".

Jeffy has this joke that he's on the Z-List and I'm on the Y-List. After "The Jeffy Show" and "The Blueprint" come out, I'm going to be moving up to the X-List and he'll be moving up tot he Y-List.

That's right baby....... We're moving up in the world!!

The basic way I could compare my life is sort of like being a comic book artist or a Star Trek character.


I don't get approached by hot girls looking to hook-up with me like Vincent Chase from Entourage, but rather, by a neverending stream of GUYS......

Haaa!!

Anyway, I'm usually approached on the daily by guys who spot me when I'm out. It's only a few times a week in Honolulu or South America, but I've seen it upwards of 50 times a day in places like London, NYC, LA, Sydney, etc...

Basically, wherever I go I'll see guys sort of staring at me in my peripheral vision -- looking all confused like "Where do I know that guy from??"

Usually they'll either start following me around or they'll start whispering to their friends all "discrete" and then come over and say hi.

There have also been a few times in nightclubs where I'll have a guy show up and say "Are you Tyler??" and when I say yes he'll start jumping up and down and like 15 guys will jump out of NOWHERE like the Robin Hood band of "Merry Men" and start snapping pictures and striking poses.

I can't express in words how funny this is.

Usually the convo's revolve around topics like......:

-"Hey... I need a MALE opinion on something... HAHAHAHA"

-"I saw how you ordered your sandwich from that waitress over there... That was smooth."

-"I feel like I'm qualifying myself to you right now... I'm not, but, like, I feel like I'm being sucked into your reality..." (total mind projection btw)

-"Hey I love the book "The Game"... Which one were you again?? Were you the one that had sex with Katya??"

-"OK, I want you to answer me honestly... What do you think of my bodylanguage?? Is it alpha??"

-"Is it true that you can steal a girl from her boyfriend?? That's so crazy... Hey wait a sec -- you don't think you could steal *my* girlfriend do you??"

-"Hey bro, I know you probably get this all the time, but I'd love to see you just TAKE OVER this whole venue... You know, like, just LORD this whole place..."

-"What club are you guys going to tonight?? I don't want to take the program, but, like, I just want to sort of observe..."

To me all this is sooooooooooo funny. My life is totally absurd.


I haven't really figured out HOW or WHEN the community got to this point.

I've had my face out there on video since 2003 and this sort of thing was never happening back then.

I think it's only been in the last year or so that it's evolved in this direction.

Now bear in mind, I'm just trying to be funny here and I'm not complaining about any of this AT ALL...

Truth be told there's a lot of guys I meet who are laidback and super cool (even that I hang with) -- and deep down I'm sure I love the attention.

I actually think it's totally lamo that anyone who'd put themselves in the public spotlight would ever whine about something that's predictable and that they willfully did to themselves.

It's like a girl who tarts herself up in skimpy clothes and then goes on and on about how people are staring.

......it just doesn't make sense.

Still, I've seen a lot of other guys who have high-profiles in this community express frustration about having lost their privacy.

I can definitely say that despite the sort of funny, ironic outlook I've developed towards all this -- it took me a LONG time to get myself to this point.

My first three or four years in this position were a huge, huge adjustment for me.

I mean, it messed with my head on a lot of deep levels, and there were a lot of challenges that I absolutely was NOT equipped to deal with at that time.

You might say that I was "In waaaaay over my head..."

The first and foremost mindscrew is the "OBJECTIFICATION" you encounter when you start to get a bit of status -- whether it's in my situation, or any other.

What "objectification" means is that people view you as a "source of value" rather than a human being -- basically interacting with you through a lens of what they can get from you.

If they're cool with you, it's not YOU they like -- but the IDEA of who you are and the STATUS or SKILLS that they get by being around you.

This messes with you on a core level, because your sense of value as a human being is being tampered with.

On the other hand, if they're NOT cool with you it's usually because they're getting some kind of artificial ego kick out of it.

Like, back in the day guys would come up to me and be all cool and friendly. Then the next day I'd be on the internet and see a post like "I met that Tyler guy on the street yesterday and he didn't even do any approaches.... He's just a regular guy like me or you!! What a big fag!!"

It's not that it was a big deal or anything (as we always say "Never care what anybody thinks of you"), but these were decent people that I thought I had good conversations with -- and as a 23 year old kid it had me all paranoid whenever I'd talk to people like "Is everyone I talk to analyzing everything I say through some sort of fucked up lens??"

If you understand the ego, you know that the essence of a "HATER" is a guy who looks for anyone he thinks is popular and then comes up with rationalizations for why he's better than them. The whole mindset is like "If he's a PUA then I must be a SUPER PUA!!" -- basically just looking for "reference points" to pole-vault off of mentally, even if they're delusional.

With girls it's even wackier.......

Oftentimes I'll be talking to a girl who knows about RSD and she'll be like "I can tell you're doing something to me... It's not going to work you know..." Of course I'm not even doing anything, and then when I don't TRY to get her in bed she gets angry because she didn't get the validation.

One girl even sent me an email vividly describing our brief conversation as a "roller coaster ride" and that she was absolutely sure the button she found missing from her blouse I'd somehow flicked off without her noticing like Joey from the show "Friends".

Othertimes I'll meet girls whose boyfriends make the STUPID STUPID mistake of saying "Don't talk to that guy, he's a big evil player..." and they'll approach me and try to see what I'll do. When I don't do anything they push harder and harder for a reaction out of me and you can only guess where that goes. Sometimes the boyfriends will even SEND their girlfriends to go approach me -- which is the about DUMBEST thing they can possibly do because the GF's unconscious minds are registering that they're "reacting" to me.

The thing is, when you're in a position with a lot of visibility people just have a hard time being NORMAL around you.

It's rarely "Yeah I met that guy, he's a chill dude..." but more often "He's a super-hero..." or "He's a fukkin dick I hate that guy..." -- and no matter what you know the response is going to be EMOTIONAL.

Yeah, it sounds cool to have people looking up to you, but the truth is YOU CAN NEVER LIVE UP TO THE HYPE because you're only human -- and they're always going to be disappointed or even bitter when they find out the dude they followed dogmatically isn't as infallible as they thought.

Beyond that, the major mindscrew is all the "yes-men" that you get surrounded with.

I've learned the hard way that your only "REAL" friends are the ones who have nothing to gain from you -- other than to hang out and relate with you and have a good time.

If a guy wants or needs something from you, you really can't gauge what his personality is like until the whole status dynamic has come into equilibrium.

Then, and ONLY THEN, do you start to know who the person really is.

That's not to say that you should assume the worst, but rather, that you should just enjoy the comraderie aspects and reserve judgement until you've there's more of a history in place. The same rule applies to girls as well, really.

A few years ago two of my CLOSEST CLOSEST friends bailed out and never spoke to me again when they tried to start up their own copycat dating company. It wasn't even the new company that bugged me, but that these guys were like BROTHERS to me who I'd have thrown myself in front of a car for -- and I was never going to be hanging out with them again over some petty bullshit.

It was like having a price-tag put on the friendship -- "How much would you pay not to be friends with me anymore?? What am I worth??"

I'd never encountered something like that before and I felt bad about it pretty much every day for over a year.

Then there's the media and press, who are so friggin' creepy in the way that they'll act like best friends to your face and then publish some sort of trash about you just to cater to their audience.

Or the people who offer friendship only later to try and ask you for a job -- and say that you "owe" it to them.

Really, I've had COUNTLESS incidents like this...

If I were to go through all these incidents I'd have to write the next "Atlas Shrugged" so I'll let you guys use your imagination.

Any ridiculous bullshit that you can imagine, I've probably seen it and lived it.

Anyway, the direction I'm taking this in is that I got to a point where I had major trust issues with people and I became very emotionally closed off.

Usually I felt defensive and paranoid -- like I had to be "TYLER" (ie: Mr. Charisma) even if I was just out trying to get a bite to eat.

For about two or three years in all this I used to wake up all the time with anxiety........

I could feel my heart racing and my mind was running through all the things everyone expected from me -- instructors who relied on me to fill programs, students who expected me to "fix" them, audiences who wanted the 10 out of 10 charismatic speach, readers who wanted the perfect book, people on the street who wanted me to connect with them in the same way that they connected with me.........

It was like being in a whirlwind where I couldn't distinguish who my real friends were anymore -- and I had massive doubts about whether or not I could keep my game-face on for everyone who counted on me to be a source of grounding energy.


Think of it like being surrounded by a fog. You're trying to see what's going on and keep yourself moving forward, but your reality is being constantly pressed upon and messed with.

If you've seen the movie "The Beach" where Leo DiCaprio goes insane with that guy "Daffy" talking to him about all sorts of conspiracies in his head, that was basically how I felt from ages 22-25.

Awesome movie, btw........

See, you've all heard of "Success Barriers" and most of the time we look at them as being bad.

The thing with business is that you're "supposed" to always do the things that are best for the company and keep the brand awareness expanding.

Of course from a BUSINESS perspective (ie: the old dogma "the only purpose of a company is to make maximum profit for the shareholders") this makes perfect sense -- so whenever there's an opportunity to increase visibility everyone's expecting you to go for it.

But what if you're NOT READY to be a piece of fucking PUBLIC PROPERTY yet??

There's a very GOOD REASON that those success barriers exist in your mind, and it's to PREVENT YOU FROM GOING INSANE.

A high-visibility individual is special in that they're capable of dealing with the tsumani of social pressure that comes from all the various public opinion and still keep their sense of "reality" intact.

Some people are born with this and others cultivate it over time, but fundamentally there are a lot of people who just aren't ready for it and wind up going all out "self-destruct".

A few of my buddies are looking to do a Reality TV show right now, and that was one of the first concerns I had when they spoke to me about it.

After several years of this, I'm personally just *starting* to get into a zone where I think I *might* be ready for that kind of attention, and I think about whether or not they know what they're in for -- all the effects to your ego, your sense of reality, your friendships and whatnot...

It's like Jay-Z says in the 'Hollywood' track on his latest LP -- "Fame... It's the most addictive drug in the world... You can look in the mirror and not see what you've become..."

I'm sure there's lots of guys reading this saying to themselves "I could deal with that no prob at all..." but until you've actually DONE IT it's really all talk.

In my case I've really tried to stay out of the major spotlight and allow myself time to cultivate some real substance, because I've always felt that when it comes to the spotlight, those with authencity achieve the longevity and those without it come-and-go as passing fads.

I'm cocky about my strengths but I also know my limitations (I have many) and always have a gameplan to progressively chip away at them.

Anywayzzzzz..........

Over time I feel that I've really come into equilibrium with all this.

I've learned the ins-and-outs of my position and I've become very astute at reading people and where they're coming from.

I think it's also been especially important for me to learn from other people who've walked the same path, and to understand that most of what I've been through has been common for virtually every other person in my shoes.

It's so funny to be chatting some of my higher-profile mentors in the self-help industry, and they'll say "I bet x,y,z happened to you..." and I'll be like "WTF?? How did you now that?!"

Of course, it's because it's happened to EVERYBODY...

A universal principle of "coming into your own" is that "You've got to know that the more personal a wound is, the more universal it probably is" -- which means that when you understand that other people have been through the same thing it allows you to stop IDENTIFYING with it and realize that it's a part of a larger age-old story.

In terms of what I'm talking about right here, I'm talking about it because I want other people who go through what I go through to achieve that same level of understanding.

At this point I feel like I've really processed it all, and I feel like I'm LOVING where I'm at......


It's the dawn of a new era for me. I don't know how else to describe it.

Everything is clicking. I've eased into my role and found my niche. I'm finally more at ease with the world in which I live, and I'm keen to really get it cracking.

Anyway, I think the way I'd like to wrap this up is to offer the core insights I've taken from all of this, just to make them crystal clear.

So here it goes...

WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT BEING IN A HIGH-VISIBILITY ROLE...

10-Always assume the best in people. Never let old wounds make you assume the worst. That can only be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

9-The best way to talk to people is just to make your self fully open to them. Don’t put pressure on yourself to play the role they might or might not expect from you. The greatest gift you can give to them is just to be “fully present” and listen to what they have to say.

8-Be the kind of guy who people would hang around with regardless of your so-called status. There’s an old trap where when you get status you start acting badly because you know you can get away with it, and then wind up in a constant cycle of people coming into your life and leaving when they’ve taken all the value. Ask yourself if you’d hang out with yourself if it weren’t for the status. If the answer is “no” then change.

7-Always remember that the people who love your work are the ones who put you in the position you’re in. Appreciate them with everything you’ve got. Never allow yourself to think of it as “inconvenience to your chill time” because your chill time only exists BECAUSE OF THEM.

6-Create a routine that’s as “normal” as possible. Have buddies who you play sports with and hang out with, without any talk of your job. Never, ever read your press. Stay away from any internet site's opinions of you. If it's necessary for feedback, have people skim them and pass you along what’s useful. You’d be absolutely amazed at how when you’re getting crucified in the press that if you JUST DON’T READ IT it’s like it doesn’t exist, which allows you to operate at your best. Believe it or not you can actually maintain a fully normal life by just going about your job and viewing all the people who know you as an EXTENDED FAMILY almost like living in a small town community, just on a global scale.

5-Never take the props too seriously because then you’ll have to take the criticism seriously as well. As long as YOU know who you are that has to be enough. You always have a few people who really connect with your stuff, but the vast majority will be frighteningly fickle and jump ships as soon as something better comes along. That's fine, just do YOU.

4-All press is good press. When you’re in the spotlight you are official public property. Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one – even entire blogs full of them. If you can’t handle it, go home.

3-Strive to continually improve and grow and offer more value. The temptation is to create something and then rest on your laurels, which if you give into it you’ll find yourself constantly paranoid about being “replaced.” If you continue to innovate you’ll never have to think about that. Always be proactive and solve the larger issue by continuing to grow, instead of reacting and trying to protect what you wrongly believe is a finite amount of creative material. Be willing to allow other people to take credit for your ideas, as its' an inevitable aspect of having “arrived” and you'll never stop it entirely. Nobody cares who "came up with it" they only care who offers THEM the most value. Use the energy you’d spend making a stink about it to be more and more creative and offer more and more value.

2-Fuck status and coolness and all that shit. Stay true to your real friends, and know what’s authentic from what’s hollow. If you look at the people who’ve stayed relevant for a long time you’ll see that they have a lot of so-called “dorky” friends who you wouldn’t expect them to hang out with. They might even have a girlfriend or wife who isn’t a “perfect 10”. There’s a good reason for that. It’s because they’re real.

1-Know what it means to be “grounded”, “humble”, and “down to earth”. Those three expressions are like your lifeline to the real world.

…if you want a fourth expression, btw, it would be “know how to laugh at yourself”.

That’s it!!

Thanks for reading.


Tyler