It's a funny thing when you set out to become good with women......
If you're coming into the community as a "nerdy" or so-called "not cool" guy, you start out just wanting the utter pain and loneliness of not having a girlfriend to go away.
You're not thinking in terms of personal TRANSFORMATION and DEEP IDENTITY LEVEL CHANGE......
No way.
That stuff's confusing... Vague... Mind-exhausting...
Not to mention it would take waaaaaay too much time -- and that crappy feeling you're dealing with is something that you need to get rid of RIGHT NOW.
At first you look towards the variety of "magic pill" solutions, probably thinking that if you can memorize and calibrate a series of lines or techniques that you'll somehow generate the attraction to make women want you.
Of course, over time you realize that this gets a lot of women giggling and chatty but at the end of the night they don't actually want to HAVE SEX with you.
From there you deduce that if you can get MORE LINES you'll somehow keep the conversation going for longer and longer until the sex just somehow "happens" -- but that doesn't work either because the whole idea of it is totally ludicrous.
(BTW I think having great lines is awesome... It's just that it's the sizzle on the steak, not the steak...)
The "elusive obvious" of course, is that you just haven't become quote/unquote COOL as of yet...
You haven't yet become a dude who a prospective girl can bring around her friends and count on to make a good impression (or even jealous...) -- and the fact is that she just doesn't feel like it would be a big boost in her sense of validation to sleep with you.
From your perpective this doesn't really make sense...
It's like, what do these so-called "cool" people have that you don't??
Is it that they say the word "BRO" to eachother a lot?? Is it that they drink more CORONA'S than you do??
I mean, the whole "who is cool" and "who is uncool" thing is in many ways so absurd and ridiculous that if you grew up with major interests outside of socializing you may well have never fully bothered to wrap your head around it.
To a logical guy, the whole glass wall that separates you from the "cool" people can be very hard to understand.
--> Why is that when you go to a hot nightclub that all these so-called "cool" guys seem to be having a lot more fun than you??
--> Why is it that when you talk to them you just feel like what they're saying is somehow better than what YOU have to say??
--> Why don't they want to hang out with you, but will hang out with other so-called "cool" guys??
Truth be told, the whole "cool" thing is waaaaaay blown out of proportion in Western Culture.
Especially when you consider that there's like a huge portion of the population who walk around essentially traumatized from their High School days where they never got the privilege of being "popular" or "cool".
Still, this stuff is like ROCKET FUEL for attracting women.
Women respond to guys who are obviously "popular" and "cool"... Duuuh.
I often say that if you're a "cool" guy who clearly appears to be "popular" you've got like 2/3s of this whole game fully locked down.
The upside to all this is that if you just do what you're supposed to do and actually stick to the script (ie: go out regularly) -- you WILL inevitably become "cool".
It's just a matter of time and social experience.
There's another level though, that I think a lot of successful guys often fail to attain -- and that's to come full circle and realize that BEING COOL IS REALLY NO BIG DEAL.
I think when you grow up feeling like the popular kids have a great deal of power over you that it takes a period of decompression to fully "internalize" that you actually ARE as cool as these so called popular folks.
Like, you can sleep with countless women and STILL feel yourself a little uncomfortable when you're around the type of guy who would have made fun of you in High School.
You might even harbour a secret feeling that you're "infiltrating" their cliques without their knowledge, or a desire to sleep with their girlfriends and get them to take it on the face -- all in the act of venting a sort of pent up hostility you're dealing with from back in High School.
Back in the day I'd love to demonstrate how to steal the "popular" guys' girlfriends and makeout with them right under their noses.
At the time my mindset was like "These are the same guys who would've done this to me back in the day......."
Naturally, this became a well-known feature in the bootcamp reviews as it represented a certain level of mastery in the game -- despite that it's actually a surprisingly easy thing to do.
The thing is, over the years I've come to evolve my way of thinking quite a bit......
I'm not really coming from that place anymore......
I don't think it's an overall very cool thing to teach or do, EVEN IF it IS ultimately up to the girl to make her own decisions about what she wants.
(Exception: sometimes the girl is obviously up for it, and sometimes she even *needs* you to help her to resolve to get out of a bad relationship... that's a whole 'nother article...)
And you know what??
While I won't makeout with another guys' girlfriend in front of him anymore, my *overall* skillset with women has improved very obviously because I don't feel any hostility towards these guys anymore.
I don't feel like an outsider. I'm don't feel like I'm a nerd with a scheme to infiltrate their magical cliques.
The truth is that these people are just REGULAR FOLKS who never exerted any power over me --> I just handed it to them without them even wanting it...
All of that pent up anger...... it was really just an outwardly directed frustration at my own shortcomings.
Oftentimes it's only after you've used the insane momentum to improve so friggin' much that you literally BLOW THESE GUYS AWAY that it finally "clicks" that you're not only as cool as them, but that you actually feel kind of sorry for them...
It's like you've spent a decade preparing to go back and fight the kindergarden bully, only to realize that you weigh a 150 pounds more than him and that you just made him this big hobgoblin fictional character in your mind.
I mean really, people are just people..........
Chances are, any time they've ever made fun of you was just coming from a place of the SAME insecurity that YOU were dealing with..... and they just had a different "strategy" for coping with it.
I really think that deep down, most people are actually really, really positively intentioned.
It's just a point of seeing it, and seeing past the social personas.
Over time I think that your "self concept" DOES catch up with the "social skills" you get from massive amounts of going out.
And once it does, it's a really beautiful thing.
You become a natural. You become a guy who offers value. And you come to walk with total ease in your environment and in the world.
That's it for today.... Thanks for reading this and being cool!!
Tyler
---
PS: The "Transformations" DVD/CD set which covers the specific topics I'm talking about today (but in a billion times more detail) -- as well as being the first ever program to cover the type of stuff that we're talking about on this blog -- is coming in July/August.
It's a 12 DVD set shot with HD cameras and high quality audio, featuring Jeffy, Ozzie, Tim, Hoobie, and yours truly. And yes, it's a program that even an oldhead advanced community dude can get a major increase in results from watching, let a guy who wants to learn this stuff the right way from scratch.
If you get value out of this blog or any of the other Real Social Dynamics free resources then it's a chance to offer mutual value and be a part of the process.
Take the 0.5 nano second to click this link and add your email to the obviously zero-obligation private interest list.....
http://www.realsocialdynamics.com/n/transformations-vip.asp
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Getting Into The Cool Clique... Is It Really What You Thought It Was??
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31 comments:
Awesome post yet again Tyler.
As most of the readers of your stuff say I find I can relate to what you say really well on quite a deep level methinks.
I've never really liked the word "cool". I've also asked myself what is cool? Imitating these so-called charismatic MTV Idols a la 'gangsta' style...
I take the metro almost daily and its really quite sad to see all these energy-less seemingly sad people in a completely quiet carriage.
I'd bring it down (partly) to lack of a personal identity and the NEED for people in society to have role models to copy. Often how well they can copy this determines their level of coolness to an extent - look out into the street and you just see one person after the other mirrors of each others and of a few socially defined high-status "cool" characters.
Be yourself. Be cool and chilled down and relaxed, fun, don't take life or yourself too seriously I always say.
Btw, the Transformation series is shot in HD you say...mmmm...how about releasing on Blu-Ray as well, that'd sure be an industry first ;-)
Sash
good read
Great article. I got over my bad feelings about the "cool crowd" as soon as I started to mature and gain some core confidence based on my own achievements. I'm now 30, and when I run into the old cool kids from high school, I realize that they are no cooler than me. Some of them actually seem intimidated by me and I have to be REALLY NICE to them to make them comfortable. It really is a great realization when you finally understand that they never were SUPERIOR to you, that they just had acquired social skills a bit earlier. Once you realize that, all your bad memories from high school and your desire for revenge vanish instantly. You stopped thinking there is some natural hierarchy of coolness, and basically you just GET OVER IT. That makes you much happier.
Did you go to your 10 year reunion, Tyler? That would've been a trip to see how they'd respond to you.
Love the blog
Cool article.
hey tyler, calcio from RSD Nation forum here! i can totally relate to all the points you discussed in the article there and feel myself that i have more or less come 'full circle' through using reference points in my experience from the field, i can understand fully what you are communicating in your article...2-3 years ago when i first started out i would most likely have been the dude you described in the first paragraph...The days of the Chode feel so damn long ago and its fucking great!!!...keep up the glorious work :-D
calcio
LOL. This article is funny. I actually ran into some of the people who were considered "Cool" back in high school and Im good friends with them now! If I had been so confident in high school it would have been easy to be part of their clique. If I only I wasnt so hard on myself back then. :( Thinking that people wouldnt like me, now I look back and say to myself "Why would I assume such a negative thing?"
Very nice article, but.. i think i will share with you the mentality of the beginners and the outsiders (the way i see it).
I am clearly one of those guys which give you the creeps. I have been researching and studying PU for over 4 years without results.
The strange thing is that i have had many reality, personality and behavioural changes over these years. I have also been going out constantly. I am regarded as a "cool" guy among my friends -of course that term is never used.
Studying PU has made me a very confident and socially wise person.
I get reactions from girls and guys alike who say wow, this guy is money.
But can i PU? probably not (yet).
Reason: Sexual attraction doesn`t happen.
Social attraction DOES happen, Sexual attraction somehow doesn`t.
So i agree that just by being "cool" doesn`t seal the deal. I think it has more to do with being perceived as a member of the secret society (Yess that old post of yours will haunt you forever).
Or, at least, of the sexually active society.
In my experience, there is no bigger flaw than showing that you have nothing to do with sex. And in the small society where i used to live in , that was exactly my case.
So no matter how socially active i became, i had great difficulties in becoming sexually active.
After a while of this your life becomes a frustrating confusion. You don`t know what else to do.
You just want a normal relationship, But in the end you are just left with big concepts from the community and another lonely night.
In those cases you do all these inner game fixing sessions and witch hunts, but do you have to transform yourself THAT much?
Is it maybe just moments of happiness that will make you get more happiness and give value? And then again, is value really the currency that will get you laid? (sounds horrible, but this is the impression i get from reading allot of the stuff on the community).
You wrote:
You haven't yet become a dude who a prospective girl can bring around her friends and count on to make a good impression (or even jealous...) -- and the fact is that she just doesn't feel like it would be a big boost in her sense of validation to sleep with you.
Hazy picture of girls sitting around a poker table, counting validation points in a thick cloud of cigar smoke...
Don`t get me wrong, I agree with everything you say in this post, but everyday i get more and more confused with philosophical research on something that seems to happen to other people automatically.
I think you are doing a great job at clearing things up.
cheers.
Hey, that vid is hilarious - and I think you are totally right in saying that people cope with insecurity in different ways and generally the best way to deal with it is by ignoring it.
I know you've been to Sydney and I was thinking about going to Hawaii for a couple days, then Thailand and working in Australia for about a year, I'm a US citizen by NYC.
Any advice would be awesome, thanks and keep up the great posts.
Thanks for continually coming out with great articles.
Props on an awesome article.
Pickup newbies are always looking for the next magic line, or the next silver bullet. Half of them get stuck in the "rutine monkey stage" (mainly because they are mildly attractive and can get girls doing even that), and the other half become disillusioned with the game because they see that "the lines don't work". Only a few can get through this and actually change the nerd within, into a properly calibrated social person, then girls come naturally to these "new them".
My game actually took off once I decided to change my internal representations of the world, and one of the most important things I did was something I actually read first in Tony Robbin's "Awaken the Giant Within", but that you have also mentioned several times in the past, with good reason: the positivity challenge, trying to see *only* the best side of things for some period of time.
I'm a "trained" optimist now, where I was a natural pessimist before. For other people it might be other different stuff that they need to change. But changing the root of what made you an unattractive person is one of the most important points, arguably the most, in the development of a person.
No need to say I'm more than eager to hear what the RSD team has to say about this, of course ;)
Wulfen (Lobo Feroz)
HILARIOUS Vid!
AWESOME Article!
Can't wait for Transformations this summer!
I appreciate your insight. I don't really have an inner hostility towards them. I realize these guys who I thought were amazingly cool are no better than I am. And once I started ripping through mixed sets I realized they don't have any mystical powers.
I did quit my job and dedicate myself fully to this yet I still haven't transformed into that really cool guy yet. And I think part of the reason is I haven't developed other areas of my life because I'm so focused on filling this void you are talking about...
Great article. You have an uncanny ability to pinpoint exactly what people are going through, though maybe it just goes to show that the path to mastery or in this case "coolness" is not that different for all of us. Either way your analysis has a very uncoated, authentic and precise feel to it.
A few points and questions:
1) I wouldn't discount lines as so insignificant. There was a period of a month or two where I went out a lot and memorized and tested C/F lines and I found that it helped my overall spontaneous humor and flirting skills. In essence, by faking being cool I figured out how people responded to it and the frames involved so I adopted a bit of a cool behavior pattern, being cocky and funny (which practically all naturals are).
2) Is just going out for a while enough to be cool? There are times when I go out very regularly and improve a lot and times when I don't. I know guys who become completely changed within a few months, and others who go out for a couple years and still strike me, and especially girls as wierd. I think there's more to the process of getting better and "cooler" than just going out, and I wish that would be discussed more.
3) I definitely do have that desire to get to a point where I can steal girls out from their boyfriends right there and make out with them. At some level it would be an indication that my game would have reached a certain level. I also still have flashes of hate for myself or hot girls or the "cool kids at school" and sometimes admittedly I have a strong desire to get a girl to fall in love in a ONS and then never call her back. I don't know if that's an entirely bad thing, maybe it's natural that people go through a phase of being a vengeful social robot? Getting from uncool to naturally cool is not a progression that's common, but uncool to social robot to natural has happened to virtually every good PUA, which is why I've always been a bit skeptical about some of your claims about nu-RSD. I'd be curious as to your thoughts on this.
-Nowhere
July August?! God damn I want that shit NOW! NOW! GIVE IT TO ME NOW! STOP DELAYING THAT SHIT! FIX ME! FIX ME TYLER! FIX ME NOW!
.. on a more serious note I was hoping to watch Transformations before my bootcamp so I could be prepared... still crossing my fingers!
cool update btw.
yo Td, just givin ya some love bro.
I really love this blog, its amazing.
Keep on doin what ya do, dont you dare quit on me.
ha,
lovin it
Fluid
Cool article man. I feel what you're saying here. As all this social calibration stuff becomes more instinctual, I keep finding that people I perceived as "cool" are so ordinary. Almost a dissapointment really... like finding the same old car in a slightly shinier paintjob.
Love the blog... keep writing!
I was the cool guy in high school but I was nice to everybody, so I was well loved. As an adult and very experienced PUA, i've seen what you described in other guys, the "infiltration" frame.
I think it's fine personally, and I think it is somewhat inspiring to a lot of guys. Take the motivation anywhere it comes.
Most "cool guys" are regular people and very chill, however, some of them are indeed part of an "us and them" mentality that wants to exclude as many people as they can.
Guys like me would befriend the geeky ones, so they wouldn't need to infiltrate my base, but many times, the intuition is right that those other guys are indeed part of a cabal that wants to embarass them.
Again quality mate. The key to these guys is non-reactivity and not owning other people's rections. You boys have achieved this better than they have, through years of calibration. There are none better.
Thanks for getting me through my exam period!
Jedi..
Tyler
Fuck"n off the hook!
I read these post in the morning to keep thinking and staying positive I cant wait for the dvd
I'll be honest, i got into this game because it gave me a sense of "coolness" and possbility. I could pickup women without being 6'0, 180pds, super popular and play competitive sports.
The clothes, gym membership, even modelling naturals, it was all to be BETTER than those other guys. Fuck those other guys... they didn't know game, they had nothing on the "new me"
Then i WOKE UP and saw reality.
I was creating an identity block between myself and coolness. I had to acknowledge the fact that i'm a guy who also gets laid.
...days... months... years.
At some point you're sitting in a pub, sharing a pint with a super, sexy blonde... shes talking about the cheerleading squad in high school and all these parties you never went to... you think... damn, i'm a cool hombre now... she sees me as cool!
All the bits and pieces have added up overtime.
It doesn't really hit you until you're back in your hometown, you see bunch of your old bros, and you think: "Holy fuck, this person is exactly the same as before..." and you scratch your head wondering what they've been doing for the past 5years.
The old identity has faded and you have to fully embrace the new, cool identity. And also realize that coolness isn't being aloof and an asshole, its just being confident about who you are.
You are now an ambassador for cool.
cheers,
Hey Tyler,
This stuff is great.
Also, I wanted to move to Hawaii for a few months to hang out and learn to surf. I'm running a start-up/website, so all I really need is access to an internet connection...
Any tips of where a good location might be? Where to find a decent apartment for a few months?
Thanks a lot, man.
The whole notion of coolness is just an absurd remnant of our flawed evolutionary psychology. Just look at who is considered "cool":
Sports stars
Gangsters
Celebrities
Music Stars
Beautiful people
Now, ask yourself: what have these supposedly "cool" people contributed to society? Almost nothing. In fact, they probably hurt it. All the attention paid to those previously mentioned distracts people from questioning things and thinking about the world.
Realize that many "cool" people who have nothing going for them (other than their social status) are just useless human beings. They are a waste of life, and only get approval because they follow a certain behavioral pattern that is preprogrammed (by genetics or media) into us to respect. You'll realize that the whole system-our entire social system based upon gaining social approval-is ridiculous.
Just realize that you, personally, can improve the world, while the "cool" people are so narcissistic that they never think about genocide or world poverty or terrorism or the environment.
I may sound resentful, but I just try and keep the following quote in mind, plus a rigorous personal philosophy of utilitarianism:
"Because most people never realize that abstract societal values are arbitrary, they spend their whole lives following everyone else’s opinion of them and what they should do."
No value to add but I want to leave a comment to say this blog fucking rocks and you'd be mad to stop it.
Look Papa! People LOVE it!
Tyler,
Dude, you're articles are giving me hope. I am slowly unravelling social dynamics. I pretended to be cool, was totally miscalibrated in college. Was taken advantage off.
I have pulled 2 pretty girls in last 3 months on entirely my terms..I am seing progress. I am not talking about pu, here. At work, among friends - I have more confidence. I am sure there are plenty of others who have drawn courage from you posts. So that you know - you are making real difference to people's lives. Thanks mate.
I agree with the comments posted here.
I'd like to add that a part of the problem here comes from people moving from one extreme to the other. When someone is used to being sidelined during their youth, then choose to do something about it, what happens is they can end up with jerk-like behaviour.
I have seen this with members of the community, and before I discovered it I went through a similar process myself. For example guys trying to stand or move in your way, stare you down, etc. It's kind of comical, because I know it comes from insecurity, since i've been there myself. You see, I think in the long run it will count against the person. Since people, especially women, notice these subtle angry signals and it's a turn off.
So like you say Tyler, its better to just ease off with the, still reaction-seeking, "alpha" behaviour and just chill.
But like what Nowhere was saying above, there is no need to kick away the ladder. Learning social skills can be like a pendulum swinging back and forth, trying to find the right balance. I just mention this so whoever needs to read this keeps in mind not to get all weird, because that type of incongruent behahiour will count against you. I suppose it all comes down to the long running topic of getting out of your head and being in the moment and having fun.
I too wonder about how RSD tries to bridge the gap between the old and evolved way of learning game.
Anyway, thanks for the free resource Tyler, and lets all work hard to improve ourselves guys!
Joseph
I like reading your writing stuff Tyler, I do agree with most of the ideas but I do think there is too much writing for them.
That is perhaps your style of writing, but according to some readers it can be heavy to read all the message when there is inutil part in it.
Anyway, you are good source of self-developpement for every lost guys who want to become better at them and at seducing women.
Great job, great blog, great ideas and remember that less is more.
Ciao,
Laurent
YEah.. make some hardcore sense to me.
I remember the first time I went out with some friends from school.. ( it wasn't even highschool, people in BraSil start going out early).
13 years old boys desperate to hit the club, have some drinks and specially get some girls to do some make out.
So my friends and I were there, that was our first club time, did we rocked the house or something? hahah no way!! But that was funny, for some circunstances those friends o'mine kept going out and I didn't. later on the HighSchool, those guys became REALLY popular and I became sorta "nice guy".
Yeah, I was with the "cool guys" from the HighSchool when they first went out, and It's really interesting to remember that back at that time, we were just equal!
If I just kept going out with them, probably I'd have become just as "cool" as them.. wich doenst seem so atractive to me, cause probably if I was one of them, I would have no reasons for one day search for something and end up meeting the community.
whatever... by the end of the day, we all still just people.
I really think that deep down, most people are actually really, really positively intentioned.
It's just a point of seeing it, and seeing past the social personas.
Over time I think that your "self concept" DOES catch up with the "social skills" you get from massive amounts of going out.
And once it does, it's a really beautiful thing.
You become a natural. You become a guy who offers value. And you come to walk with total ease in your environment and in the world.
This is golden. I'm quoting it all over the place. Thank you Tyler, you have really hit home here.
"(Exception: sometimes the girl is obviously up for it, and sometimes she even *needs* you to help her to resolve to get out of a bad relationship... that's a whole 'nother article...)"
I would really like to hear about this other article.
If anyone else wants to second this request that would be great.
-Dan
Tyler, please read C.S. Lewis' essay "The Inner Ring" (online):
http://www.geocities.com/bigcslewisfan/
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