I'm not at the ideal level where I want to be yet (ie: total perfection -- LOL) -- but seriously, I'm seeing flashes of it more and more often.It's almost like hitting a "sweet spot", which at first was hard to reach but now is getting more and more consistent.
I feel like I've finally "figured out" and "seen" the true core of this game.
If I just stay on this path I know it will become 100% consistent by next year, or maybe a year after, but it will definitely be worth the stretch.
It's not like a black and white thing either -- it's just constant improvement and getting better and better.
The constant challenge for me is not letting it become a part of my identity (ie: I'm the shit because I'm natural) because AS SOON AS I THINK THAT IT CEASES TO WORK.
This is the huge flaw in the whole game: if being good with women becomes a part of my identity, then I'm always trying to validate that identity, and I come across reaction-seeking -- when in fact, my best nights are when I hit the "sweet spot" of just being ME and not thinking a step ahead of what other people think.
One key I got from Rick H was when he made a cryptic remark that I sort of ran with, which was "If you're a guy who's thinking one step ahead, like what he's going to say next, she's going to know that and not like you" (paraphrased).
I tried just going out and approaching with "What's up" and NOT thinking about what I'll say next.
This is also why if I tell a guy taking a bootcamp "I want you to TRY to get blown out, by not making any effort" he'll open the sets and they'll all stick on him like glue. I can tease him like "You failed... You didn't get blown out" and this will fry his brain because girls are loving him despite that he made no effort.
For me it's like hitting that sweet-spot as often as possible, which is a total mindscrew because as soon as I take PRIDE in being able to reach it, I can no longer reach it.
It's like as soon as you say to yourself "I'm going to get this girl by trying not to get her" it ceases to work --> you have to REALLY not care.
This sounds freaky, but it's almost like a PSYCHIC thing (even though it doesn't exist and anyone who talks about psychics I think is out of touch with reality) -- but seriously, the whole principle of "THE SELF IS COMING THROUGH" is a real mindscrew for me because as long as I know "the self is coming through" I can go in there and usually do phenomenally well by just putting myself out there and being ME.
We could probably come up with all sorts of theories about why, like that "ego" is a cover for a wound of real "self esteem", and that if you convey self-esteem you convey that you'd healed all your wounds or never been wounded in the first place -- which conveys value.
I really don't know -- just throwing out guesses... At the end of the day it doesn't even matter though, it just works.
A good experiment for me a while back was to take a digital camera and video myself approaching with my routine stack.
Then, after, videotape myself approaching with "Hey what's up"
I realized that I approached with FULL CONFIDENCE with a routine stack because I had the EGO PROTECTION of "If it doesn't work, it's just my delivery and it says nothing bad about me."
With "what's up" it's all YOU who gets rejected, so it's really really hard to approach with that same total confidence and anticipation of a great response that you have when you're using the material.
Learning "natural" game is basically just learning to approach with that same total CONFIDENCE and ANTICIPATION OF FRIENDLINESS that you had when you're telling a great story, but instead of anticipating a great response for the great story, you anticipate a great response for YOU.
This is almost like a girl's frame --> also a lot like a child's frame.
One of the clues for me was when Neil Strauss said that Tommy Lee approaches people like a "big happy baby."
I thought that was a great line and I've fully adopted it. I just approach sort of in the role that I'm a big happy baby, never wounded, never have had a problem in life --> and as my buddy Ariel said, feeling CONNECTED to the world rather than disconnected and having to be above or below it.
It's funny, but the fact you're able to come from that place of security winds up sub-communicating a lot about you -- maybe as much as being the "leader of men" or whatever.
I still think you've got to be the man and be the shit, but I also think that for guys who’ve taken on those behaviours for a few months that it’s so internalized that doing it consciously at this point is just try-hard.
There is no way we could ever go back to acting like chodes so any effort to the contrary is really wasted energy.
That said, I think there are a lot of identity-crises where you CAN bring back old behaviours without realizing it, and those have to be nixed out.
I've seen ex-PUA friends who revert to spending tons of money on girls and getting USED hardcore. So we can't be reverting to that, or to being quiet little introverts who stay at home on a Friday night.
But as long as we're having fun and being outgoing, just walking up with full anticipation of success (big happy baby style), and allowing the "escalation window" to open, I think this is the most potent way.
I've seen Tim from Real Social Dynamics do phenomenal things and I think he's the paradigm of this style of game (as are most of the guys in RSD -- which is why I chose to surround myself with them).
His opener is "Hi I'm Tim" and the guy really gets a deep rooted sexual attraction, far stronger than the buying temperature attraction that most people in the community get.
Anyway, a lot of stuff here -- maybe you guys will be able to pull something out of it.
Let me know what you think.
Tyler
10 comments:
Part of what makes this and other posts brilliant is that you are willing to detach yourself from situations and pick out vital pieces of information from them-- even from something Neil said. No one does that! Awesome. This is not lost on me.
Rock solid, dude. Keep moving.
Gallantry
Hey Tyler,
I'm around 300 pgs into THE GAME and what you write now, here in the blog is pretty deep and shows your growth. It's like coming to the part of the story when Style mentions when you'd arrived back at the project you made eye contact with him- brief as it was and continued to speak from a place of humility. My point is that it was coming from your real core and authentic human emotion to re-connect with a person you'd emulated so far as to practically count the # of breaths he took per minute. The portrayel of your character is further riveting to me when citing the time in the Hard Rock cafe L.V. and you were quoted by Style as having AMOG'ed Mystery in some very clever ways. Your motivation these days noting from this bog seems to have shifted somewhat in that you've matured subjectively ownin your own masculinity and therein your personal power and security has solidified. Your "base" is no longer funtioning from deficit because you feel safe in your own skin now; your locus of control is centered. Your natural self can flourish because you've experienced acceptance of your deepest wounds and have shown authorship, kinship, and compassion to your entire person. Now you are validated and can power through life as a leader of man because you are a leader of yourself. You look in the mirror and you are proud because you can smile from your heart now; the real you-not a million different faces and voices. You are a person of consequence and have laid stake to the fact you are real and are evolving.
I see a lot of my self in you Yyler so if it sounds like I'm projecting, perhaps I am just a little.
I recently moved and came across a box of journals- there must have been about 15 in all. Every page filled front and back. My wife and I parused through them and smiled and laughed after I let a big sighh and said "ah, so much processed this last decade and what came of it most.. of all the intrapersonal exploration was the conclusion that I matter. I Sifu, am a man self possessed now- the boy in me has died"
Hey TD,
I've recently come to the realisation that for my whol life I considered my value, deservingness and potential to be less than the average person.
My problem is habving these blindspots and not seeing these limiting beliefs till I've evolved past them.
Do you have any ideas, tools or maps that can help me evolve?
I've been looking into Spiral Dynamics (Clarge Graves) to help me with this. Have you read anything about that?
The moment you identify with a behaviour or with a response, you negate the effectiveness of it, I believe that as soon as you Identify with something it become EGO.
and as soon as the behavior/response/situation you identified with becomes in your perception under threat your game breaks down.
but why does it break down? From what I am piecing together so far about what Tyler is talking about is that as soon as something becomes part of EGO it becomes highly suggestable to threat. Because EGO is in constant conflict with all kinds of external forces.
So in absence of EGO what is left? I feel it's a form of PURITY, it is emotional state UNPOLLUTED.
Ask yourself this, What stifles communication?
INSECURITY, what is Insecurity?, I believe that insecurity is like a symptom of ego. Ego like Tyler said a rational construct or psychological complex that is designed to give a false sense of individuality, the false sense of individuality is a feeling of SEPERATION and when you are seperated you kind of become your EGO in a sense that other egos threaten you and your ego feels the need to protect itself from being damaged because ego is fragile.
So then in absence of ego, which I guess can be said essentially as ego trancsendence we feel in synergy with are enviornment and all people in it, we dont feel the need to IMPRESS, we dont feel the need to be aloof, we dont feel the need to control the frame. WE CAN BE AS WE ARE, without FACADE. WHY? because those very FEELINGS of control, inadaquacy, uncoolness, unattractiveness stem from insecurity and since...
Insecurity is a symptom of EGO, that means that those insecurities were in fact born EGO. I don't think ego in itself is a NEGATIVE thing, its just a psychological complex we created in order to handle the trauma of being wounded. However there is one point that I didnt meet eye to eye on with Tyler, its not a very essential point but it puts thing for me into a bigger perspective.
I think that the wounding starts at the seperation from the womb, from the mother and continues on into adolesence when we REALLY begin to feel our seperation, when we are put through all sorts of social institutions like Schooling and other conditioning that comes from parents and peers and innummerable amounts of people you come in contact with.
So transcendence of ego is learning to work in SYNERGY, its learning to "RE-REMEMBER" your uniqueness because as it was said..
Your value starts with YOU, the humanbeing, the gigantic file cabinet of EXPERIANCES
;-)
hope that was insightful.
- SANIK
Nice. I've recently experienced a similar thing, and it was a really awesome epiphanie for me. It's weird. I spent most of my teen years totally unconfident, and up until fairly recently (now in my early 20s) I'd been paying a lot of attention to small details and trying to really get everything down. I'd still be busting out lines and busting on women in somewhat of a contrived way and getting decent results.
On one hand I felt like I'd come really far since my early days, on the other it felt kind of like I still had a long way to go. "I just must be missing out on something small" etc. At this point I made ridiculous amounts of effort on my image, working out a lot, really trying to fill that void. My success decreased.
I decided to take a few steps back and just chill. Forget about PU and just take it easy. I start just talking to people normally, without any pre-conceived ideas. I'm just being me; albeit me after 2-3 years of constant awareness of every sentence to leave my lips and every arm movement and every interaction. And what happens? A lot.
Suddenly I make a lot of new friends. I'd spent several months feeling fairly isolated, feeling pretty down that my friends had all gone in different directions. Within a month of just acting normal, I've suddenly got a whole new social circle, and my former friends are calling me all the time and we're hanging several times a week. Something we haven't done since those summers 5 years ago.
My success with women, which was already pretty consistent, improves.
It's weird. If you could see a chart of my congruence, it would look like a spike: /\
The start being total incongruence with the new material, the peak being congruence with the material and my best success with women, and the dip being increasing incongruence. The only difference is the incongruence after the peak is the fact that I'm putting on a show when those traits had been internalized to the point of genuinely being parts of my true personality. No need for faking it when I'd already made it... to a degree. Although I still have a long way to go.
It's further evidence that a lot of subcommunication goes on at a level so subtle it's nigh on impossible to discuss, let alone consciously control. You can have everything DOWN... body language, eye contact, voice, yet you may still come across as shy or lacking confidence if you're not truly in state. Could it be the length of the gaps between words you say? Microscopic variations in the speed at which you sip your Coke? Damned if I know.
Nice post anyway, man.
I've had this exact same experience...I've repeatedly been in cycles where I think I've figured it all out, and then I try to do it "as a technique"--ie, to get a _reaction_--and it doesn't work anymore.
Who you are, not what you do. It really has to come from within. You have to REALLY not care--PRETENDING doesn't work. Maybe some can--from what I've read, sociopaths tend to be superhumanly charming, and lie about everything as a matter of routine--but for me, and I'm guessing for most other people--trying to be successful at faking is so hard that it's practically impossible--so hard that it's not worth the effort to try, because there's a much easier way.
-Lee
Hey Tyler, I am happy to see you having success with your life.
And I was thinking about the "new paradigm" shift you were talking about in The New RSD and also I think many other PUAs has taken to this direction, I think of my style as in the cross road between having canned, and just beeing "my self" (and in state, spontaneous and just shooting positive energy. But I feel like some of the DHV stories I have, really get the DHV spikes for attractions coming, better than the style mentioned first.
Anyways.. Somehow.. I got to admit I'd liked you better as the superanalytical social robot on your earlier days. But maybe thats me?
amazing stuff
i dig this and the prequal to it.
I was just re-reading this, and it would be awesome to hear some methods, or way you find to install this way of thinking/belief?
Also, get to come online more! I dig his style, and would love to hear his mindset!
Great article, much appreciated!
Machismo
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