Monday, March 31, 2008

You've Gotta Fall Off... To Learn Why You Shouldn't Fall Off

Here I am in Oaxaca City, looking sexy as ever.

Yes I am a gringo. Please don't make fun of me.

Alright so a quick pointer today.

If you want a great dating life, tons of sex, a girl that you're crazy about -- how do you get it??


Study "success with women" and "go out all the time".

It sounds so easy you might think I'm being sarcastic. But it's true.

So why don't people do it??


They "make progress for a while" and then "fall off".

There are a ton of reasons for it. They think they've got it handled. They get busy. Whatever.

But here's a thought for you...

When you make progress and you're enjoying it, it's natural to get lazy.

That's because you lose your initial enthusiasm and you don't see the longterm consequences of it.

Then you get back out there and discover you're not at the previous skill level you were when you left off, so you get discouraged and quit.

Well, uhhh.... NO.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Look, if you're going to do this then follow through. Execute. Make it happen.

Here's how I see it...

Whenever you "fall off" for a bit, that's actually not a bad thing.


What falling off a habit does is teach you first hand about the fiery hell of nastiness that awaits you if you don't stay consistent.

I know in my case I don't have a SINGLE instance of a longterm habit I've maintained which I haven't fallen off of at some point -- and often it's the horrid struggle of getting back on the horse that motivates me in the longterm.

When I'm out of the gym for a while and I lose 20 pounds off of my benchpress (and then I'm super sore during the week to make it even more fun), it teaches me that falling off is totally uncool.

It's only after I've had this happen a few times that I finally get consistent.

The same was with meditation. I stuck it out 20 minutes a day super consistent leading up to The Blueprint recording, but then afterwards I felt like such a pimp that I'd never have to bother with it ever again.

I didn't say this consciously. It was just obviously unconscious because I immediately fell away from the habit.

Then over the following months most of the bad mental habits that I've evolved out of slowly came back.

Comparing myself to other people, being annoyed by petty shit, daydreaming about finding happiness in some future ideal scenario -- ironically the exact stuff that I had to cut out of my life in order to be a success.

But this wasn't a bad thing...

Because it taught me that there is no "happy ending" with this stuff.

It's a lifestyle...

It requires consistency, but it offers MANY rewards.

You can either maintain it or fall off, but there's no magic pill that fixes you permanently where you get to slide back into your old lamo lifestyle and "hang on to all the benefits as a parting gift".

(At least not at the elite level as when you were on top of it).

So ask yourself: Have I fallen off any of the habits that were really helping me??

And if you have, think about the nastiness of it all -- and let it be the NECESSARY EVIDENCE for your mind to finally "click" that "YES, the benefits of this are absolutely worth the daily grind".

Because whereas most people will use "falling off" as YET ANOTHER WAY of beating themselves up, a better reframe is that it's a necessary learning phase on the road to maintaining a new habit over the long term.

I mean, there are many razor-sharp psychologists who think that most human beings would RATHER DIE than change themselves, simply because old habits can be so hard to break.

But we're not a part of the "unthinking masses" here, are we??

Uhhhh, I hope not.

The world is yours if you reach out and grab it.

So let's do this.... :)



Mzzarh said...

Absolutely... I went out for thirty days straight and finally started making progress. Then I fell off. Time to get back on! :)

Anonymous said...

Great article (as always)! But i think you've 'fallen off' with labeling them ;)
For your readers it's nice and clean if we can browse through them by clicking on the topics (like 'dating articles', 'life updates' ...)

Anyways, thanks for sharing your wisdom, keep posting!


Tyler-Real Social Dynamics said...

Done deal man, I just updated all the labels.


Anonymous said...

very well and clearly said, tyler!

thanks for giving so much value!

Anonymous said...

Wow, this was really needed at this point! ..Especially from someone like yourself - when you're ontop of the world..and the daily grind is done ;) (see, I'm learning) - who SHOULD be living proof, that this works; that it IS the stuff to do.

You could even make an extension of the whole thing, saying that having a scheduled life is the only thing that keeps yourself from going INSANE. That having ONLY that, even, will keep you from thinking yourself into living hell. Been there done that.. been there done the opposite! so, works. It's originally from..

It's Will Smith, from behind-the- scenes of the new blockbuster (WTF is the name of it?) where he's studying what interns do to keep their mind sane; and that's scheduling.. minituous scheduling. I know I've read you do that too - have a really scheduled life.
.. maybe write an article on the subject? Would be awesome, for many I think.

asdf said...

Hey Tyler. I loved the Blueprint.
I'm really considering moving to Hawaii after Grad School (in 3 years). My decision was mainly based on the new insights I picked up from Tim Ferriss and yourself. Could you recommend any websites that would help me make my decision on where in Hawaii I should move, or if its even right for me.

Thanks in advance,


Anonymous said...

Alright Kevin!

Tyler didn't write all this so you can jack off to it and get in "state"

He wrote this so I can take ACTION

so everytime an article comes out, it is self evaluation time.

boxing, jogging, reading, meditating(never tried it, just take this guys advice and do it), reading biology, being greatful, and MOST of all meeting girls WITHOUT CRUTCHES IOW putting dimes in the piggy bank of Deep Level Change.

STart NOW! soon as you click send

Anonymous said...

yeah I agree, I know there are many books on scheduling your life

BUT we all want to know what TYLER does

I've recently started having a superbusy schedule and I must say

it is exciting. You feel like ...

"I dont have time for b/s or drama." and you just shrug off the little problems as you jump to your next task, keeping an eye on the clock"

fullcrum said...

Awesome - just what I needed to hear.

Shaman said...

Concerning when you mentioned meditation:

"The same was with meditation. I stuck it out 20 minutes a day super consistent leading up to The Blueprint recording, but then afterwards I felt like such a pimp that I'd never have to bother with it ever again.

I didn't say this consciously. It was just obviously unconscious because I immediately fell away from the habit.

Then over the following months most of the bad mental habits that I've evolved out of slowly came back."

This sounds really interesting, I'm reading Tolle's 'The Power of Now' right now, and I was wondering if you think doing meditation can really help you to relax, be natural, get the nimbus, so to speak? Does it help your game? If so, could you tell me where to start if I wanted to get into meditation? Thanks for your time, Owen, we all appreciate it.


Anonymous said...

Come to Monterrey City!! it´s only an 1 hour plane trip from oaxaca

Anonymous said...

I love the direction mate. I love the direction.


Anonymous said...

This was awesome! You're seriously getting your mojo back!

Anonymous said...

Great post! Love your work as always.

I was just thinking when I got started how I would literally read yours and jeffys old posts and hold myself to the standard that if these guys are being consistent and following through then I have no excuse not too (IOW... what one man can do anyone can do).

Finding something, anything to hold on to to give you a reason to be consistent is SO critical. Really this is relevant in ALL areas of personal development, but especially with meeting women.

Thanks for the insights and I am looking forward to finally watching the blueprint!


Pirate UK said...

Hey Tyler, I’ve just added a link to your blog from mine.

I’m a recent convert to RSD as a result of joining Carpe PM’s ‘Majestic Self’ forum over in the UK. I know a few guys who’ve been on Ozzie’s Bootcamp in London & they rave about them.

Just wanted to thank you for The Blueprint Decoded. I did my own 4 day total immersion into The Blueprint (the resulting FR is currently at the top of my blog)... and man, the body of knowledge you’ve given us is something that I will refer to for the rest of my life.

Sincerely, thank you

Tim said...

Hey Tyler,

Hope this doesn't come off as a dumb question, but exactly how do you meditate? (not you personally, but how to meditate in general)

tffl said...

Whipped into shape thanks to your blog yet again. Thanks man. =)

e13c7r0nic said...

Amen, brotha'. I hadn't thought about falling off in those terms, as a necessary step to learning that there's no ending, it's a lifestyle.

I had a decent meditation practice about three years ago, then I stopped. For the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about getting back to it. I've thought about how my life was in general much better when I was doing it. I need to schedule. As Tony Robbins says, "if you schedule it, you do it."


Anonymous said...

Hey man,

I love reading your articles. This one is a good reminder to keep up. My problem is I have so much shit in my life I want to accomplish and I am so stupidly inspired and optimistic to do it all that I take on too much. That and I just don't focus enough on doing that actual necessary shit. Like I will go to the mall and practice pick up and while there I'll get distracted and won't stay focused on the mission the whole time to actually practice the shit. By the way, where do you guys actually go outside of clubs to do pick up? And do you approach usually only girl groups or do you all go up to the guy groups as well? Just to compare and get tips...

Anonymous said...

Hey---how to practice becoming louder. How did you do it ?

frequency said...

In excited to read this during history class. I just last night got my weight training back under control after falling off for 2 weeks. Thanks tyler for being so knowledgable!

Anonymous said...

One of my 'sticking points' that I have difficulty reframing is the fact that I am a single dad having to take care of a 5 year old 5 days a week.

My lifestyle is limited by something beyond my control (my responsibility to my child).

Of course I love my son and enjoy him, and wouldn't trade my time spent with him for more time to go out and self-improve,

that being said, do you have any advice for me and those guys out there that are in a situation similar?

SAE said...

This was a very timely and valuable reminder for me!

Thanks! your posts and insights always seem to come at the right time :)

Adam said...

Interesting stuff about "fall off" Tyler, for the moment I am very in to my gym development and got REALLY inspired by something you wrote a while back called "Implementing a habit".

I'd say that IF you "fall off", you never implemented your new habit fully. With a fully implemented habit you can't fall off. It's "simply" there - always.

You don't have to fall off to learn not to fall off; at least that's what I think. You have to implement the new habit in order to never fall off in the first place.

Of course you could say that falling off is an iterative process, which gets minimized over time until when your new habit is totally implemented. But I have to say that I like to think of it in "implementing habit" terms than "fall off to learn to not fall off". You will always at some point drop the ball. It's what you are used to and what you have as your habit that counts in the long term, not if you fell off or not.

Tyler, I have to say though - thank you so much for the value and ENERGY you have given to me, without even meeting me in person. If you're ever in the city of Stockholm, Sweden. Drop me a mail and I'll make sure to show you the best night in Stockholm ever.

Best Regards,
Adam []

Lurid said...

Im on a major fall off right now. I achieved all my goals and now the initial desperation/motivation i felt is gone. Im trying to get back on, but creating that new motivation is escaping me. I appreciate this article a lot.

Urban said...

I'm awake and I'm coming to get you, brother.

Harddrive said...

thanks tyler.
this is just what i needed. i've been a lazy ahole these past several months lol...gotta cut back the partying.

Chris said...

Ive never posted on rsd or amywhere, but ciarin prompted me to check out ur blog last night at he jeffy tour. I'm also typing this on my iPhone so we will see how this goes. Btw thanks jeffy for the completely absurd iphone opener LOL. I think becoming aware and believing that there is no magic pill can be a magic pill in of in itself. That's how I feel. I hear you about falling off being a good thing. Its not like it is a necessity as much as it is a part of life. Its sad that many people aren't able to realize that. I think what this community is doing is great, its better than most public services I've found. I'm glad rsd is not running away from growth. No pain no gain braddah. Mahaloz Tyler

Anonymous said...

the unthinking masses.. this pertty much sums it up..

Anonymous said...

Owen. Thanks for reminding me. I came here to seek inspiration, and it's just what I got. It's Friday night, I'm heading out.


Hot Alpha Female said...

I think that there is a perception out there that success and fulfillment are something that you just experience .. and then thats it.

its like a once of thing and once you have achieved it .. then thats all there is to life.

But you know ... the saying " its not the destination that matters its the journey".

Well it was only recently that i really understood what that meant.

Success isnt built in an instant. Success is about doing the small things everyday that contribute to your mission to your goal.

Success is ... working on your business instead of watching tv.

Success is waking up in the morning to go for a run instead of staying in bed.

Success is having the heart to forgive someone even if they have dont something terrible.

That is what life it really all about =)

Hot Alpha Female
The Dating Game-Understand The Rules-Learn The Skills

Anonymous said...

I would like to address this comment to the anonymous poster who is a single father.

I'm in the same boat as you being single dad with an 18 month old daughter. I wouldn't consider having a child a sticking point unless it totally keeps you from going out. Which is sometimes the case for me being a full time dad.

But in light of all of this. It seems women are more attracted to me now more than they have ever been. It's kind of like being a father marks you with the women. Plus you have more responsibility to be more selective with who you date, you don't want your kid to get attached to someone that you won't last to long with.

So learn what you can, get good at it, mix it with the fact that you are already proven to be a successful male and go out when you can and have fun.

Anonymous said...

This is AWESOME.

I've falled off couple times, and the worse the low, the more likely i wont fall off EVER again.

Its also interesting how "success" can be dangerous if you dont know what comes next... because the high will wear off, and you are left with a void.

If you dont fill that void, you will lose the success, and maybe even fall backwards.

Interesting stuff.


Anonymous said...

Fucking sweet...what a re-frame. I've been beating myself up a lot lately about falling off of a few of my habits.

I also compare myself to guys like Tyler thinking "if only I could be more like them" well turns out i am...they fall off too, but they just get back on and start again.