Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Big Egos

We've all heard the expression "big egos" or "there's too many egos in one room here" but it's only in the last few months that I've really understood what the word "EGO" actually means.

I won't get into a long diatribe here, but your ego is basically the sum of all your logical rationalizations for why you should feel confident.

It's your "story" of who you are.

See, being CONFIDENT and CONTENT is actually a DEFAULT STATE for human beings.

In the absence of being a wounded little bitch, you feel very content and confident.

Life is tough though, and as life hands you a few bumps and scrapes you come up with logical rationalizations for why you should feel confident.

It's pretty messed up, because why should you need a STORY to feel confident or content???


Still, that's how it is for most people, and they're constricted by their big cumbersome egos.

Ever wonder why your buddies won't study how to be good with women??

It wouldn't align with their "story" of how cool they are.

Ever wonder why they won't approach women??

Again, being blown out wouldn't align with their "story" of how cool they are.

It's like a hot girl who gets denied entry from an exclusive club. She starts shreiking and freaking out because her story of "*I* can get access to whereever I want!!" is being messed with. It was a pillar in her reality, and once removed she becomes LESS confident than a girl who doesn't have even half of her looks.

That's the big bitch about dealing with people who have big egos.

They're rarely interacting with YOU. It's all about getting you to RESPOND to them in the way that they require in order to keep feeling like the person that they want to be. They're cool as long as they're being responded to in the way they need, but as soon as you go outside that boundary they get those anxious, hungry-eyes.


As you can imagine, girls are very turned off by this because in reality it should be THEM reacting to YOU.

It's an instinct that they feel --> an instinct of ATTRACTION or REPULSION, and a great deal of this comes from feeling that you cannot be controlled.

The need to feed the ego, more than anything, is a way that you're easily controlled in that respect.

It's a total buzz-kill to women.

If you're still interacting with people through a filter of feeding your ego, you've GOT to let it go.


Big egos are occasionally the cause of the dick-measuring contests you see in our humble community.

Are *you* the greatest POOOOO AHHHH???

Naw man, *I* am the greatest POOOO AHHH.

It doesn't matter if YOUR SKILL has no bearing on MY SKILL......

It doesn't matter that YOUR GIRLS have no bearing on MINE......

The fact that you EXIST fucks with my concept of how great I am ---> which fucks with me at a raw emotional level.

It's the same sort of thing in the world of business and finance........

Who's got the biggest business??? You???

OK, well it doesn't matter if it doesn't affect or change how much money *I* have. My concept of how cool I am involves having the "BEST" business which means that if somebody has more money than me then it fucks with me at a raw emotional level.

See, none of this stuff has to do with a person's personal happiness or quality of life.


It's all about that self-concept that they draw confidence from.

Think about this.......

Without your "story" of how cool you are, who would you be??

It's a tough question.

Of course, in reality this story is your greatest weakness. It fucks up your relationships and it fucks up your life.

Riddle me this........

What's the absolute WORST way to derive your sense of identity as a guy who wants to be good with women??

Think about it............

Any guesses????

I'll tell you ---> It's a "PICK UP ARTIST".


Because getting girls means being 100% free of needing any outcome.

It means no "reaction seeking" or "approaching with an empty cup that needs to be filled".

When your sense of self is derived from being a "pick up artist" or "PUA" or "POOOO AHHHHH" you approach women always needing something.

See, you might not have "one-itis" or even want THAT PARTICULAR GIRL, but you DO want her validation that you're a good pickup artist.

There's only one type of guy on the planet who approaches a girl that he ISN'T EVEN ATTRACTED TO and yet still experiences approach anxiety and neediness, and that's a "pick up artist".

He doesn't care about the girl, sure..... But he DOES need her to validate his identity.


I've learned to downplay my own skills over the years because I find that the more I "self-aggrandize" myself, the more nervous I get to do demonstrations for students or the press.

It's not uncommon that when a guru gets status that he gets too scared to do approaches in front of students, and that has a lot to do with preserving the whole ridiculous "story of who you are" ---> aka the "ego".

Anyway, this is a call out against self-aggrandizing, and a call to find your identity in something that's core to YOU.

More than anything, it's a call back to that old SELF-ESTEEM that you had back when you were a kid, and you interacted with girls based on your similarities and common humanity with them, instead of trying to be "higher value" or "one up".

Believe it or not (and you must TRY this to really know), when you can approach girls with total comfort because you know that you're a part of the same tribe (ie: humanity) it conveys such an "at ease with the world" confidence in yourself that they often become attracted.

At least, so the theory goes...

Or as Tyler Durden would say "It's only after we've lost EVERYTHING that we're free to do ANYTHING."

Does this make sense? Give it some thought.

That's it for today.

Much love and respect to all!! :)



ware_ru said...

The last time you wrote about the self-esteem vs. ego bifurcation really caused a mental shift within me; I never imagined the two were different, it's an amazing concept. Is there anyone else, any book or self help guru that talks about it? I can't find anything else on the topic and it's fascinating.


Algeristo said...

With regards to knowing that you're a part of the same tribe (ie: humanity), I have this mindset: I think that every person I approach is 50% myself and 50% another human being: I already know we have much in common and many similarities before we meet.

Anonymous said...

Awesome post dude, they keep getting better and better. It was only the other day I was trying to get across everything you just said to my routine junkie friend. He still has the frame of trying to please every single girl, going 5 for 5. You just summed up what I was trying to point out to him.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Owen..I think that this article is one of the best ones that I have ever read in my entire life! I admire you because you are helping people like me so MUCH with it!

Anonymous said...

Tyler, I love you.


Dan said...

I was thinking this EXACT SAME SHIT last night and the night before...

My story: I'm good looking, chicks DIG me, I do WELL with women nowadays.

... great story, I should write a book... but it HINDERS my progress.

So now I find myself dressing BADLY to go out.. full on Tyler style (sorry dude) black t-shirt and jeans rather than the hip designs and collars.

Whaddaya know... I feel more comfortable with who I am because I'm not putting on a shiny COVER... I approach with more confidence... and I FEEL better about my successes.

Just thought I should share. Great stuff matey.


jaydilla said...

Cool post. If this is the type of stuff covered in your book The Blueprint then I'll be a very happy man :) Ha ha. Keep rollin' bro, good work. Peace.

thenow said...

this covered extensively in the power of now (fuck that book haha)

Andrew said...

Ok, cool. I'm very guilty of this. I'll capitulate to my internal conflict and refuse to approach in order to protect my ego, then I'll kick myself afterwards for not going through with it. I would be interested to know what process you would suggest for eliminating this negative thought pattern..?

Anonymous said...

This is great! Really woke me up! After reading the "Power of Now" I have been more and more aware to what I attach to my identity, but in some areas I am still totally blind, because I am so accustomed to attaching what I do to my identity. Thx Tyler :D

Anonymous said...

This is very fascinating, but what if you were not loved by your mom plus you were emotionally abused and shit and you have no confidence/self esteem because you've never felt it? When you get rid of your ego, you get rid of the only self worth you've ever had and you're screwed.

You can be happy and feel that you're one with people but you're subcommunicating such insignificance that nobody takes you seriously.
With ego you lost the only power you ever had with people, including attraction from women.

Does this mean that I'm clearly a fag and should be put on pills by medical professionals, or have I misunderstood something?

I'm getting an ugly feeling that this stuff only works for people who already have core confidence, they just somehow forgot it or not learned to use it properly.

Anonymous said...

gr8 artical.
can you talk more about how to let go of your ego?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 9:10

This is your ego speaking. It is your ego that is telling you that what was done to you is crucial to who you are. This is not true, unless you make it so. It may be difficult to understand or to see now, but you are the one responsible if your past dominates your present and future. By dwelling in your past you absolve yourself of responsibility. You are so used to feeling like this that it is comfortable. This is literally insane, and you should stop it.

NaturalGame said...

one technique to let go of your ego you can find on
simple as that.
now tyler, are you ready for that new reality? i hope so and wish you the best
i love how you formulate really big and important insights
you are the leading edge of thought, lol :)

WildFlower said...

This sounds awfully familiar!

But there's something missing, it's incomplete, so its ok.

CraC said...

ur making me think man, Nice.
btw, i dont think we are born happy and confident, dennis prager has some theories too, check it out

Tyler said...

Gotta go with Anonymous 2:17 on this.

Read Eckhart Tolle "The Power of Now" for more info, as was reviewed in a recent post about a month back.


Thanatos said...

Man, from the heading picture of this post I can't tell if you are talking about big legos or big egos ;-)

I think your two posts about ego are especially good. That stuff made me think about myself and now I'm about to reflect when my ego speaks and I try to eliminate that.

Hm... I'm on the best way to stop hunting "trophies" for my ego. Or getting girls to do stuff that feeds my ego. Seeking validation in THINGS outside yourself will always make you dependend of something else not within yourself.

Greetings from .at

Anonymous said...

OK, now i have a new problem....
Should i think of me as a guy who get girl or not?(because then my ego wont want me to fail).

Matthew said...

"self-aggrandize" myself

c'mon Tyler, you're smarter than that ;)

Anonymous said...

wow man..

Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm the only one that noticed this, but is there a reason that the picture of the tape measure is focused in on the 5" mark? =)

Anonymous said...

This reminds me about the message in two movies I've seen. They were both with the Brendan Fraser. The movie I remember watching is called "A blast from the past". Pretty much this guy grow up in a bomb shelter under ground with his parents till he's 30 and then leaves his house. But even though He's so wierd, people love him cause he's purely himself. The other one was about these two kids in highschool that find a caveman buried in their back yard. The caveman comes alive and becomes more popular and well loved by everyone

afroditus said...

hey, crazy **** shit this is!
However I do not understand one thing.
If our self esteem was wounded as a child, how can one prevent it from being wounded again, if he/she succesfully removes his ego

Anonymous said...

I think this Ego idea can be expressed way simpler.

It's all about weather you base and rationalize your identity on your surroundings/ your skills or not.

(I'm rich so I act confident. I'm good-looking so I act confident. I'm famous so...)

In a way this is what almost everyone does: We define ourselves through our achievements so we crave more of them. We crave "proof" of our awesomeness so we can support our mental construct of who we are. Which is lame.

Yet I would disagree on the notion that being self-confident is the default state. Being a ego-manic wuss is truly the default state of "normal" people. People who truly don't base their self-confidence in any form on their surroundings are basically in the same headspace that psychopaths or little children are in. Which is not necessarily bad for everyone, but it potentially can be.